I admit it. I’ve been really loving my hat head this season. All the girls are wearing this look. I think it’s the new pixie cut.
And my biceps are the bomb. Forget Cross Fit, folks. Have you tried “Raking The Roof?” It’s a blend of cardio, core, and shoulder toning exercise. Follow it up with a solid hour of “Shoveling Places for Your Pet to Poop” and you’ll be bikini ready by June.
Yes, this winter has been the ultimate season for self-progress. I’ve saved money due to cancelled flights. I’ve perfected the long-johns-under-the-work-slacks look. And my skin? Well, let’s just say that there hasn’t been a sunburn in six months. SIX MONTHS, people! And I haven’t needed makeup since fall, since I’m perpetually wearing the latest blush must-have: a hint of frostbite.
I know that winter has been great for many of you as well. All those facebook pictures featuring the negative temps on your car’s temperature gauge. I’ve watched with bated breath, hoping that you’ll hit -23! And who could forget your Youtube clips of neighbors landing their third-story backflips on snowbanks? Not me. And even some of you are still wearing your lucky Patriots sweatshirts since you haven’t left your house since the Superbowl. The celebration continues! Lucky you!
Plus, we have reached major milestones in communities up and down the eastern seaboard:
Record Sales of Vicks Vapor Rub in Connecticut
School Cancellations Prompt Impressive “Call-of-Duty” Scores.
Maine Extends Pond Hockey Tournaments Through July
Nantucket Home Sales on the Rise, Credited to Plow Drivers’ Salary Bulge
Also in breaking news this winter? Pantone retracts the color of the year. “Marsala” was recently overthrown by this year’s clear winner: “Whitish.” In addition to being Meryl Streep’s haircolor in the blockbuster film The Devil Wears Prada, Whitish originated on snowbanks on the New Jersey Turnpike. A mix of snow and gravel dust, it’s not as white as its big sister, Polar, nor is it as gray as its dirty sister, Fog. It’s somewhere in between, and it’s everywhere you look from Boston Common to Rockefeller Center. (Pssst… I hear that Tom Ford’s 2015 spring break collection will feature “whitish” tankinis with faux fur-trimmed overlay. His inspiration? A Poughkeepsie January.)
As Lieutenant Dan famously said as he hung over the side of his shrimping boat in a hurricane, “You call this a storm?” Well, tomorrow, I’m going to stand on my snowbanks as I hold my my fist to the sky and scream “You call this a winter?”
C’mon Mother Earth, I can still see out my window from the second floor. Try a little harder next time. It should be illegal to have this much fun.